Gotta Love That Hojo!
by QueenAlla
Summary: Reno and Tifa are called upon by the one and only Hojo. What will he force his guinea pigs into this time? Written for 'The Sacred and Profane'.


I don't own Final Fantasy or any thing in relation to it. How many times must I say that? I wrote this for 'The Sacred and Profane'.

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"So...Tifa." Reno shifted from his resting position and placed his hands on the paperwork piled desk. "You dared interrupt my work?"

The brunette raised an eyebrow in amusement. "I guess I did..."

He chuckled, shaking his head at the girl's confidence. "Well, you see...There are consequences for these things...And they, aren't always-"

His light-hearted teasing was interrupted by the sound of his PHS ringing. Slapping the desk, he picked up the phone and snapped into it, "I said I'd call back next week, damnit!"

Tifa watched her hotheaded boyfriend intently. His playful features winced as he heard the irritated voice of his boss, and quickly snapped back into shape as he retorted back. "Yeah, well ya should have locked it, shouldn't ya!? Blame yourself!"

Tifa couldn't imagine what the two were talking about, but knowing the Turks, it couldn't have been a positive subject. With that in mind, she wasn't sure she was interested in finding out.

"...Yeah, okay. Whatever." His PHS met the desk's hard surface with a clunk, and was rewarded with a smirk from Tifa.

"You're gonna break that thing any day now. And I wouldn't count on Tseng paying for a new one."

Reno shrugged nonchalantly. "Meh. Let's go."

Tifa had no time to ask questions before she was pulled from the office by Reno's firm grip. Despite the confusion, she found that it was comforting, being in his hand. The thought formed a smile on the girl's lips. "Do you mind telling me where you're dragging me?"

"I'd prefer to think of it as escorting, not dragging." The redhead replied with a smirk. "And we're going for a visit to our good bud' Hojo."

That left her traumatised. "H-Hojo? _The_ Hojo?"

"The Hojo." Reno replied once they had entered the elevator. "He needs a test subject."

Tifa gasped. "And you're gonna let him use you as his guinea pig!? Reno! You have rights!"

He shrugged again. "I don't mind. I get paid for it, and it's actually kinda fun."

She then had no doubts to why Shinra used Reno as their scientific experiment.

_They should do a scientific experiment on his brain and try to find a cure... _Tifa thought sarcastically.

Reno became concerned with Tifa's sudden silence. It couldn't mean anything good. "Uh, Tifa? I was jokin', you know. I'm the oneescorting_ you_ to the lab."

Her brown eyes darkened threateningly as she reached for her PHS. "Hello? Cloud! I'm in a bit of a dilemma here. R-"

The PHS fell to the floor by Reno's panic-stricken hand. "Okay I'll be good, I'll be good!!! I promise!"

Tifa smirked. "Thought so. Now you're gonna get off this elevator right now and leave me here. Right?"

The doors opened, only to reveal the rather frightening, animated face of Hojo. "You're here, my puppies! Good, good!"

Tifa turned to Reno with a look of pure hatred, which turned quickly to resentment. Reno felt weak with nerves as he saw her face, for he knew he was going to regret this day.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "So, uh, Hojo...What's new?"

The clinically mad scientist's eyes widened with joy so far, that it wouldn't have been a surprise if they popped. "I'll talk dumb for you, shall I? I've discovered this brilliant formula which can change the breeding patterns of chocobos. It places the stupid creatures in a state of utter hysteria and confusion, resulting in the...you know what, you don't need to know this. All I need you to do is to stand up on that platform," He pointed to a small metal platform half a meter from the tile floor, "Drink the solution I will give you shortly, and let my deviou-_marvellous_ plan come into action."

Reno raised an eyebrow. "I don't drink any crap I don't know about. Unless it's certified alcohol."

The psychotic man's eyes darkened, and Tifa half expected him to let out a demonic laugh from his vile mouth.

"Oh, this stuff is pure alcohol. You'll love it, I promise you." Under his breath, he muttered, "You thickheaded, dimwitted, twit of an ignoramus..."

Tifa couldn't believe her idiodic boyfriend when he headed up towards the platform. "You nutcase! You're not actually going to go on with this, are you!?"

The reckless redhead turned to her. "Where's the harm in it?"

Tifa didn't think even _Reno_ was that stupid. She was dumbfound. "Hojo, Professor, or whatever they call you, what are the odds of something going wrong? And what could happen?"

Hojo didn't look at her, only at the flask in his hand that he was offering to the Turk. "Let's just say the odds are high. Would you like me to write you a book of all the things that could happen?"

Tifa stared blankly at the nefarious nutcase. "I wouldn't mind that."

"Well you aren't getting one. Perhaps the fool will be annihilated, exterminated, dismantled, crushed, ravaged, and obliterated by by detrimental weapon of destructive force. Use your imagination." Hojo replied, typing strange symbols up on his computer.

"Did you hear that Reno?! Drop the damned bottle before you die!" Tifa ordered, preparing to knock the item from his hand.

Reno lowered the flask and replied to her, "Well yeah, but I couldn't understand. He was using big words."

Tifa groaned. "Oh you retard! Do I have to do everything for you!?"

She attempted to whisk the flask away from Reno's grasp, but she was a moment too late. The liquid had been completely consumed by the redhead, who was now staring emotionlessly into Tifa's deep brown eyes. She found herself acting the same way, for a moment. When the moment ended, she felt odd.

The lab was completely silent. All that could be heard was the gentle humming of the computers.

"Tifa? You okay babe?" The voice that broke the silence was Tifa's. This was odd, because she wasn't known to talk to herself in front of others.

"Wait...That aint right...My voice..." Realisation dawned on Reno, and as it did, his face darkened menacingly. "Damn you Hojo..."

The wacky scientist was grinning wildly, his eyes full of fearsome power. "Mwahahahahaha!!!"

_Guess the evil villain laugh really does lurk inside him._ Tifa decided, staring oddly at the man through aquamarine eyes. _Wait...Why am I on the other side of the room? Tell me he didn't..._

"Hojo you conceited bastard!!! What have you done!?" Cried the Tifa from Reno's body.

"Reno," He scoffed, "That is no way to talk to your superior!"

"You know as well as I do that you switched our bodies! Now fix it! _Right_ now!" Tifa snarled in reply, storming towards the over-confident scientist.

It was only then Reno had fully comprehended what had happened. "Oh my god...I'M A CHICK!!!"

He began to run wild around the lab-in Tifa's body-in a panic, fearing his life as a female just as much as Tifa was fearing being a red-headed, cocky, male Turk. "HELP ME!!! OH PLEASE HELP ME!!! No offense though, Tifa."

Tifa pressed Hojo against the closest wall-not a good look when in a male's body-and came frighteningly close to his face. "Switch us back. Before I shove that beaker you're holding down your throat."

The now terrified scientist reached over and pressed a bright red button before Tifa could react. "I'm not too sure I can help you..."

Reno's constant whining could be heard in the background. "I'll be called a transvestite...Guys will rape me and I'll..."

"Oh for Shiva's sake, HELP ME!!!" Reno cried, bursting out into a fit of tears. "I don't deserve this life!!! Well, maybe I do, but that's not the point!!!"

"Reno," Tifa replied, so calmly it scared him, "Shut my mouth before I cut your freakin' ugly hair off using Hojo's scissors."

"But Tifa...If I shut my mouth-" Reno began.

"SHUT IT BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF!!!" Tifa yelled, her boyfriend's body overloaded with rage. Were they her feelings, or his?

"Okay, but don't blame me when I get knocked out by security. Wait...Tifa, save my poor, innocent body!!!"

Tifa ducked, just in time to miss a blow to the head. A uniformed man was carrying an EMR, and it was once again centimetres from her boyfriend's body. Unsure of what Reno was capable of, she instinctively raised his leg and kicked the man in the face, resulting in her victim falling unconscious to the ground.

"Wow. Reno, did you practice martial arts at all?" Tifa asked in surprise.

"Did you!?" Reno yelped, punching the remaining security guard at least ten times within the second, letting him join his friend on the floor.

"No offense, Reno, but your security here sucks. You guys are supposed to be Shinra, the elite organisation. I expected more."

Reno smirked. "That was Hojo's security. Expect nothing."

Tifa didn't bother asking why the most dangerously destructive lab in the whole of Midgar had the poorest security, despite finding it preposterous. She knew Reno would send her some load of crap that didn't make sense.

Turning towards Hojo, Reno grinned slyly. "So, have you got a plan two, genius?"

The scientist quickly nodded. "Yes, actually."

Tifa glared at herself. "_Or_, you could tell us a way to fix this 'little dilemma' we're in."

"Well, the effects, I'm not sorry to say, could be both fatal and incurable. There may be a way to rectify this, however it could take years, even decades to find. Therefore, I suggest-" The scientist stopped as he noticed the blank, emotionless stares the couple were giving him, and a sense of déjà vu came flooding back.

"...Reno?" The words came from Tifa's own mouth, this time. "Oh thank Shiva!"

She rushed over to the redhead and hugged him, only to receive an irritated snap. "Get your filthy hands off me, vermin!"

Tifa went pale. "Reno?"

"Tif'?" Hojo asked nervously. "You don't mind 200 year old boyfriends, do you babe?"


End file.
